Friday, May 25, 2012

Cool Contest Post!

Hey guys, I found out about this really cool contest where you could post your query letter and the first 500 words to see if you could win a critique from Sharon Bayliss's editor!  Check out the details HERE.

By the way, I totally get it if you guys don't want to read my query letter and first 500 words, so you can just move down to the previous post if you want :)

Anyway, here's my entry:

Query:


Rise: From the Ashes is the first book in a series of three.  It is a New Adult Sci-Fi novel set in a futuristic version of our galaxy and is approximately 118K words.

Sixteen-year-old Jaina Indera has been training for this moment her entire life.  Ever since the Imperial Alliance genetically selected her to attend a gifted school, she has done her best to be worthy of competing in the Trials.

Being chosen is just the beginning.  Her school will send a team of eight students to compete in a battle of both physical and mental challenges against other Gifted Schools around the galaxy.  If they win, they will enjoy the privileged life of a Superior in the Crystal City, the stronghold of the Imperials.

With the coincidental, sudden appearance of a boy called 'Dragon' and her unsettling dreams two months before the Trials, she begins to question everything she has been taught to believe.

Will she ever find balance between honor, love and the truth behind it all?

First 500 Words:



HIS WHISPERED Cry of agony echoed through the night.  Jaina’s eyes opened with a start and she peered through the barrier of darkness between them. Altair remained motionless in his bed, but Jaina couldn’t bring herself to look away.  The dim lights outside cast ominous shadows into the room and shrouded him in an overwhelming sea of black.  She’d always been afraid of the dark; that’s why Altair let her sleep by the window where the light shined through.
Jaina swallowed her fear and took a deep, shaky breath.  She wanted to close her eyes, but still she watched him.  She had to make sure he was okay.
He rolled over violently and moaned in pain.
“Jaina!” he hissed.  “Jaina! Please!”
She sat up in alarm, and the blanket she was wrapped in fell softly to her waist.   The air felt cold and sharp to her lungs as dread coursed through her veins.  The dark silhouettes grew seemingly darker around Altair.
“Jaina, please! No!”  he cried out again.
She forced herself into the darkness and ran to his side.  Her hands touched his shoulders and she shook him frantically, hoping the cameras hadn’t noticed him yet.
No one stirred from their sleep, but Jaina knew it was only a matter of time before someone heard.  Someone was bound to hear him.
She shook him again.  “Altair, please wake up.  You’re going to wake our classmates,” she whispered to him.
His eyes shot open with an unnatural energy, and she wasn’t sure if she was imagining the red glare in his pupils or if it was really there.  Frightened, Jaina jumped back and her entire body began to quiver.
Instead of his usual calm expression, she saw nothing but darkness.  Her breath was choked and it became hard to breathe.
His clear eyes were clouded with agony, and trained on her.  As if she was the source of his pain.  She would never hurt him; they both knew that.  He was like a brother to her.  He was everything.
Jaina backed away, doing all she could to keep herself from screaming.  His vacant stare was cold and harsh.  She’d never been scared of him before, but this time it was different.  It was like he’d become a different person.
Altair blinked, and it faded.  All of it.  As if it was never there.  Confusion crossed his face as he stared into her eyes.  “Jaina?”
She moved away from him, afraid of what he might do.
He approached her cautiously.  “Jaina, it’s alright.”
She wanted to believe him.  But he had lied.  He’d told her his dreams no longer bothered him.  She felt betrayed.
Her shoulders brushed the back wall.  She wasn’t sure if she should run from him or ask if he was alright.  His usual serenity had been shattered with panic.
“Jaina, I’m okay now.”  His eyes began to look more normal, and she let him take a step closer.



***

Hope you enjoyed! Good luck to everyone in the contest and have a great weekend!

--Jess

125 comments:

Krista McLaughlin said...

Good query! I like the first 500 words. It starts with a lot of action and throws the reader right into the story. It makes me curious about what's happening. Good luck with the contest!

Reiko said...

The words you use are so expressive. They pull me right into your story every time. As an author, you are truly a diamond in the rough. Have a wonderful weekend, Jessica! Love, Grandma

Chuck said...

Very impressive. You have picked the right path in life. I look forward to reading more.

Jade Hart said...

Hi :)
Awesome query and first 500 words. My only nit-pick would be to put the 'housekeeping' of the query to the bottom, not the beginning. I would also state 118,000 words, instead of almost 118K. A bit more streamline :)
Good luck

Old Kitty said...

Oooh what's up with Altair?!?!? Very intriguing! This was a very atmospheric read - I like Jaina and Altair's chemistry! Good luck! Take care
x

Kimberly Gabriel said...

This is fabulous! You're only fifteen? Are you sure? ;) (I teach middle school English) Regardless of age, I was really drawn into your query and your opening scene. You are very talented. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be hearing (or reading) more from you! Good luck to you in the contest!

Sharon Bayliss said...

Hi Jess,

Thanks for entering! Since your MC is sixteen, this would probably be Young Adult, not New Adult. I thought your first 500 were intriguing.

Good luck!

Pk Hrezo said...

YAY! SO glad you entered... and I love the new title. I agree, this would be YA, not NA. Nice switch to 3rd on that first part.
Lots of good luck to you!!!

Gwen Gardner said...

Very intriguing. I was pulled in right from the start. Great job, Jessica. One typo in the second paragraph of the query - should read "she" has done her best...

Jess said...

Krista, GR, Chuck~ Thanks!

Jade~ Thanks for the critique! I'll definitely fix that for when I have to send it out :)

Old Kitty~ Glad you liked it!

Kimberly~ Haha, yeah, I'm sure! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for commenting!

Sharon~ Thanks for the correction... I thought mine would be YA but I wasn't entirely sure if 16 was considered late teens or still early.

PK~ Glad you could stop by! Thanks so much for all the advice you've given me on my MS. Couldn't have done it without you!

Gwen~ Yay! Thanks for the correction... lol I was sorta in a hurry to enter the contest.

Hope Roberson said...

Love your premise and was blown away by the first 500 words, I needed more!
I think there is a typo in the second paragraph in your query. "...school, he has..." I think he should be she?
Great job and good luck!

meredithmansfield said...

I thought the first 500 words were great.

For the query, I agree with moving the title/genre/length to the end. Start with what's strongest--the story.

Oh, and some agents really don't like rhetorical questions. I'd rephrase that last line into a statement instead.

Rebekah Loper said...

Hey Jessica, glad to see you doing this!

I agree with the others - move the technical info about the novel to the end, and state 118k as 118,000. It's just a bit more professional :)

LOVE the suspense and tension in your 500 words. Great job!

Amber said...

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been posted. Just wanted to say I enjoyed this and good luck.

Larissa said...

Wow. Great job pulling me in with those first 500 words. Well done!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Nice, I like this. Good luck!

Ink in the Book said...

Sounds like it is going to be a great story. I was hooked pretty much from the beginning. I felt the connection and I enjoyed the intrigue. I want to know what is going on with the dreams.
Good luck!

C.M.Brown said...

Nicely done Jess. I didn't know that you were only 15yrs. Wow, you certainly write well for your age, well I mean any age really.

Great job and good luck!

Carrie-Anne said...

Your query is very good, and I love your opening. Good luck on the contest!

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