Alright, this post is part of Rachael Harrie's Campaign. This is the third and final challenge! I'm really going to miss the Campaign! I've had so much fun and met so many new and awesome bloggers!! Anyway, here's the challenge:
- that it’s morning,
- that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
- that the MC (main character) is bored
- that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
- that something surprising happens.
So here's my entry:
Synbatec Island
Of all the
things he told me, one remains clear. He was one of the last that could
remember a sunrise. I’m cursed with the knowledge that such a thing existed. He
used to speak of a time when pink and gold drops of light fell from the sun and
into the clouds.
I stand on
the island of Synbatec. He said that the sunrise was most beautiful here.
During the war, countries rose and fell, but nothing could destroy the skies of
Synbatec. Nothing except for the Tacise.
The Young had predicted it. But the Elders couldn’t see it coming.
I look up
at the dark green and grey clouds. They
didn’t see. I almost laugh out of anger. I reach down and feel the grainy
sand slip through my fingers.
The sea
used to be beautiful. And so was the beach. I close my eyes and try to imagine
a time when the skies and oceans were blue. I imagine families coming here to
enjoy the view. A woman sits with her husband as they watch the waves crash in
synchronizing harmony. A taste of sea salt is ghostly present. I try to breathe
in fresh air of the place but a foul smell fills my nose and lungs. I cough and
open my eyes.
Our world
used to be beautiful. I glance behind me and see the wasteland of papers and
bottles and debris left behind from a glorious civilization. A scrap of
wastopaneer is picked up by the wind and blown into the sea. The sea that once
had blue, crystal waves is now polluted with junk. The water has turned grey
and green from oil. Lightning flashes and I jump in surprise. There’s no longer
anything to do, but wait. If only we had
known.
***
Yeah I know, not exactly the picture you saw at the top, but oh well. I thought most people would take a happier approach so I chose the 'dark side' for this one.
It's exactly 300 words and I think I used everything in the right way. I'M ENTRY #5. (I know! I actually made it in really early!) If you like it, vote for me here!
It's exactly 300 words and I think I used everything in the right way. I'M ENTRY #5. (I know! I actually made it in really early!) If you like it, vote for me here!
--Jess
100 comments:
Like the environmental consciousness happening here Jess. Good Job :)
Ooh, I can see that oily water. Well done!
I love it! Not exactly the pic, no, but it's good enough! You paint the world wonderfully.
It doesn't matter if it's like the picture. That was great! I love your use of the words and the sci-fi world you created. Nicely done.
nicely done. I love the ease of your words and the terrible evocativeness of destruction.
Nice!
Fantasitc job! I can sense the desolation and hopelessness of world you created.
Wow! 15? You are one talented girl! Well done, I really loved it! :D
That was fantastic, Jess! (It reminded me of this old PSA. Classic!) Great job! :)
Katie~ Thank you for following :)
Carrie~ I just got through watching it. Loved it. Thanks for sharing :)
Love it! Yay for the darker entries :)
I love this Jess :) Your writing is beautiful!
This is great. You have a fantastic style, and "dark" is always good!
Mine is #25.
great job, jess. you made me feel the loss
Sad picture! But I like your use of imagery :)
This is really good, Jess. Vivid imagery and a great sense of loss. Love your take on the challenge.
You're rock'n this challenge! No surprise. You have great opening hooks and your world setting pulled me right in. There's even room for dystopian in there, somewhere. Good stuff, Jess! :)
I love the line "pink and gold drops of light..." great imagery! Great entry! :)
Thanks for stopping by everyone :)
K.T. Hannah~ Thanks!
David~ Hooks are kinda my thing. Keeping it that way through the rest of the passage is the hard part!
kmckendry (mom)~ Thanks. I was hoping that line didn't sound cheesy when I wrote it LOL :)
You have lovely writing and I would love to read the rest of the story! Very descriptive. Awesome job :)
Nice! Great descriptions as well.
Jess, even with the darker-side I loved it. You make me appreciate what we have & hope others heed the warning! Very nice! ; )
I like writing on the darker side. Nice to meet you.
Hurray! You've met the challenge and done it exceedingly well.
Jess, this is written with care and great thought! Despite it portraying a grim outlook, it is certainly a good way to bring environmental issues in to the challenge. Clever! :)
Lovely writing! "A taste of sea salt is ghostly present." Wonderful. The whole thing has such atmosphere and such a sense of memory and loss. Beautiful job. I've voting for you.
Great imagery! I went for dark as well. Love it.
Oh yes... great job! I could see everything you described and smelled it all too... so good!
Lx
Is a beautiful story, sad but pretty to read. I wonder if the character's goal is to make the sun reflect the way it used to.
Love the dark twist on what we think is a classically beautiful place! Thanks for sharing. :)
This. Is. Fantastic. I loved the dystopian feel and I could completely picture the darkness of the beach. Great work! Voting :)
I love Dystopian! Great twist on the challenge. You have my vote.
Oh I love how you incorporated the words! Really neat!
I'm glad I got the right number now and found you ;)
This is very well written, like a picture painted with words.
Way cool!!
I likey :D
I really did enjoy it. It is a good 'green' message. Your description of the ocean past was phenomonal though. Good job!
Very haunting descriptions as everyone else has been saying. Excellent job too working the challenge words in with aplomb.
Your point of view comes across loud and clear within the word-count limit. Great writing!
Great imagery. I could picture how desolate the beach must look.
I am impressed with your dystopic world! Good job!
The story gives a great sense of atmosphere, it is like I'm standing there with them.
Are you really only 15? Very strong, perceptive writing which achieves its effects without overdoing them. Well done.
Evocative, entertaining, and so well written. Bravo. Good luck with the challenge!
And thanks for the follow. ;) Followed you back. Can't wait to see more from you.
Brilliant, I loved it! Well done for incorporating those words, very imaginative :)
Well done - you've crafted a beautiful piece!
Fantastic, evocative writing! This should be used as a warning to our society of what could happen if we don't care for our earth. Excellent. Heading to click 'like'.
This was fantastically done. I think the first paragraph is honestly one of the best I've ever read -- in just a few sentences, you drew me in, laid a new world out before me, and gave me an expectation to shed everything I knew to learn everything you had to teach me during the short length of this piece.
A wonderful read, Jess!
You are right that it's dark but it's beautifully done. Nice job. Mine is #56
I enjoyed your take on the Challenge. Your piece has a nice sci-fi twist, reminds me of Ray Bradbury (who I admire very much). Great job!
Great entry, Jess...a writer, and 15, and a violinist, and figure skating! Wow, quite the talent. I find it amazing your so interested in the universe. I wish there were more of "us" out there concerned!
This piece really gets ya thinking!
Wow! So realistic. It could very well be something so close to home. You painted our possible future quite well. Although, maybe we can learn from it! :D
Hello Jess! Thanks for visiting my blog! I am now following yours. Great job on this challenge! I love it!
Abby - #58
Brilliant! I enjoyed the picture that was painted by your words.
We didn't need an actual picture of Synbatec Island because you painted one for us. :) Well done!
I'm wowed. I want to know more about this cool world you are building.
GREAT story Jess. I could picture everything so well. You really created a gloomy world. I loved it!
I loved your dystopic take on the challenge. You drew me right in.
Beautiful apocalyptic scene.
Lovely writing. Great imagery. Great job!
Kinda sad how her world changed. Nice job.
Hey Jess! it was so great to meet you this week! I just wanted to ask you where you lived becasue my little sister (16) is a figure skater as well. (Wouldn't it be fun if you guys competed against each other?) Anyway, random thought, I know. :)
What a great entry! I too went futuristic and dark, we must have that in common. :)
Love the way you used the "words"!
Jessica Aspen #74
Very sci-fi. Really liked the way you incorporated all the elements, so creative, if a bit sad and dark.
Owh. What a tragedy. Hope we don't actually do that to our world.
Great post. :)
Good work!
Like you said, I'll miss having these little challenges popping up.
I thought that this one in particular was very practical, asking us to use "show not tell" thinking.
Fantastic description, albeit sad. I'm going to "like" it. :)
Have a wonderful weekend.
Hi Jess - just to let you know I tagged you and there are some questions over at http://dailydodo.blogspot.com/2011/10/memes-and-awards-and.html for you :)
Lx
Hi Jess,
Thanks for the vote/comment and I'm doing the same :)
For someone so young, to have your talents... phew, God bless ye! (I sooo wish I could've recognized my love of writing at your age!)
I loved the dark and sad angle to your story... hope it never comes true...
I'm very impressed. Great job!
Jess, you are going places, girl! Loved your entry. I'm #65, returning your visit:)
Great job! I could visualize everything. I'm way behind, my entry is #88.
Very nice! Great visuals!
Very poignant story Jess. We could use more sci-fi in this world.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm going to start following yours also.
Very unique. You had me at your second line. Great opening!!!
Very well done, Jessica! Well written and intriguing! (Thanks for reading my entry - #92 -too) :)
Very good imagination. I liked this for the fact you thought outside the box. Nicely done!
You're 15?? Seriously?? Then you're going to have a long, successful career ahead of you. You know how to write!
Excellent entry. You rock!
This is great! Not at all what I was thinking. It's been fun reading your posts all through the challenge. Good luck with your move and with your writing!
Great job with the senses and the sense of waste and loss.
Great description! And I love that there's a Dystopian/Futuristic feel to it. :)
Lovely description, you have quite a flair. Enjoyed this very much.
Strong entry Jess. Sad and probably fair futuristic look at our world. Excellent writing.
Jess,
An excellent entry. It made me shudder, as I thought this could be a reality if we aren't careful. Great job.
Patricia
Fantastic job! I really like the concept that only one person can remember the way it was before. Lovely.
That was great, very original approach.
mood (now following)
Moody Writing
@mooderino
Sometimes gloominess can be good. Thanks for joining in with the campaign challenge!
Great job! I love your take on this with the whole, 'what could have been.' And you have great details that add so many layers :)
You did a fabulous job capturing mood with all the details you included. I'm a fan, and I think this could be the beginning of a really amazing story!
That *is* a dark side, but so well told. I do hope we're all wise enough for things never to turn out that badly.
Sorry put a comment and noticed I misspelled a word! So I deleted it! ;-) Jess you did right to go with the dark side! It works. I like it a lot. Original take on it.
The last line has tons of impact.
Jess, this is wonderfully written, and captures so much vivid detail and nuance. Dystopian fiction is some of my favorite, and you do a wonderful job of evoking environmental issues and a sense of decay quite well. Excellent job!
I loved the first paragraph the most!--> This was really well done; feels like there's a whole novel behind this one scene. Very well wrought. Kudos!
I can't tell if I'm more jealous of your youth or your story. Both probably! Love the use of the extra credit words! (Thanks for saying hi!)
Wow, amazing. You did so much with this challenge. I'm impressed and heading over to vote now. Again, wow!
Beautifully, dully sad. I particularly liked that the narrator is cursed with knowing what a sunrise might have looked like. Lovely!
When you said that the description didn't match the picture, I thought, "really? I thought it did." So then I scrolled up and sure enough, the picture was of a beautiful island. You did such a great job of painting a dark, dirty world that I saw the picture in my mind as clear as if you'd posted one.
Great job!
Nice take on the words. I love that wastopaneer is some form of waste. I, also, liked that you took the different angle by having the Young recognize the danger rather than the Elders.
At first I thought the piece was from the perspective of a vampire. I should have maybe . . . uh paid attention to your blog design.
Good stuff. Humbling.
I really like "dark" (you've visited my blog, so you know that about me!) and I love what you've done with this post-apocalyptic take on where we are headed...especially if some people continue to ignore climate change...but that's another story! Good job!
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