Monday, February 20, 2012

The Promise- First Campaigner Challenge (Fourth Campaign)

Hey guys! Today is the day of Rachael Harrie's first Campaigner Challenge of the Fourth Campaign! Here are the guidelines:



"Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count. 
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
  • end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
  • include the word "orange" in the story
  • write in the same genre you normally write
  • make your story 200 words exactly!"
So here is my entry of exactly 200 words with the included word 'orange':

***

The Promise (modified from WiP)

Shadows crept across the wall as the red-orange light of day shrank over the horizon. There was a rustling in the trees a few feet away. Alex felt for the gun in his pocket and aimed it in the direction of the sound.


"You really gonna shoot me?" Lara asked.


Alex put the gun down. "You scared me."


"Come on, let's go."


The two of them entered the abandoned building. The night grew darker and the only light was that of the moon shining through the broken windows.


"Alex," she said. "I need you to promise me something."


"Sure."


"Promise that you'll never forget me. This me. The one that's good. That no matter what happens, this girl is still here."


Alex looked at her, not sure if she really meant it. "Lara, I-"


"Promise!"


"Okay. I promise."


Her eyes grew dark. "Thank you."


"You're a good person, Lara."


She shook her head. A tear streamed down her face as she aimed the gun at his chest.


He turned to her and froze. "Lara, what are you doing? Don't do this!"


"I'm sorry, Alex. I loved you."


He reached for his gun. A bang filled his ears and everything faded.


***

Who shot whom? I guess that's up to you to decide ;)

If you really like it, go to Rachael Harrie's site and vote for me! I'm #19
And if you like writing flash fiction, you might want to check THIS out.

Thanks!

--Jess

135 comments:

Rachel Morgan said...

Ouch (literally)! I hope that wasn't a killing shot, 'cos it sure would be hard for him to remember the real Lara if he's dead!

xx Rachel

Abhishek Boinapalli said...

Oh!!!

That was unexpected!!

You really know how to build a story and add a twist to it!!! Thanks for dropping by my blog!!

Another Author

Jaye Viner said...

Well, your WIP must be rather exciting. Haha. Interesting entry!

Morgan said...

Whoa! Jess, what are you doing to us? Sounds like a great story! Way to incorporate all the extra little rules! You rock! :D

Cat said...

I like it, although I think using a WIP is a little bit like cheating. ;-)
Still, it makes me wonder what you finished story will be like.

Mine is No. 23

Jess said...

Maybe it's cheating a LITTLE bit but I haven't actually written this scene yet, so I thought it was okay :)

Thanks for stopping by!

Elodie said...

Very nice! Great build-up and WOW ending! :D

Rek said...

I enjoyed this intense scene...but I wonder who shot at whom...Very well written. :)

Jess said...

Well that's the mystery, isn't it...

lol thanks for stopping by! Glad you liked it :)

David P. King said...

What a second ... Whoa! That totally threw me off. And if this is part of a WiP, I'm even more intrigued. Nice one! :)

meradeth said...

Awesome entry! Love the ambiguity--so fun!

Jenny said...

As this is written from Alex' POV, I'm going to assume he was the one who was shot. Otherwise, the last line wouldn't make sense. JMHO. Good job. I'd really like to learn more about what brought them to this point.

Jamie McHenry said...

What an intriguing entry. It does leave a question. Nice work.

Tobi Summers said...

Wait, what? No!

I really liked the character you created for Lara. In such a short time, I felt very sympathetic for her, even though I don't really know much about her situation.

Thanks for commenting on mine too!

Alynza Smith said...

Ooh I love the twisty ones! Great job, I would love to know the back story of how she came to this point of turning on him. :)

Krista M said...

Woah, intense! A lovers betrayal.

Samantha said...

I loved it! I honestly couldn't tell you who was shot, but I want to find out :)

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I will definitely give you a vote and follow you now!

Samantha

Humpty Dumpty said...

Wow, a bit of a shocker! Well done!

YelenaC said...

Nice! I love that you modified it from you WIP and it really makes me want to read it now! ;) Gread job!

Elizabeth said...

Nice job! Now I want to read the whole book.

S.P. Bowers said...

Interesting! I do wonder who shot who, I'd guess maybe they're both dead but then it would be a very short WIP.

Carrie Butler said...

Oo, cryptic ending. I like it! :D

Jessica Salyer said...

Great job. Definitely makes you want to find out more!

Nick Wilford said...

I'm very intrigued about your WIP! I think she shot him, but nice to leave it ambiguous. They certainly seem to have a dysfunctional relationship!

Tina Moss said...

Love it! So curious to know WHY she shot him? If indeed, she did, and it wasn't the other way around! Great job!

Stella Atrium said...

I liked the suspense and the dialogue. Great work!

I got started late, so I'm #46 where you already commented. Thanks!

Ashley Nixon said...

Ahhhh. I think he shot her...But I want to know why?!? Great job!

Lady Gwen said...

Oooh, nice twisty turn of events! Well done, Jess. It makes me want to know what the heck is going on and who shot who.

Lady Gwen said...

umm, or should that be "whom?"

Melanie Stanford said...

Great job- I love the dialogue (I'm a fan of the dialogue driven entries over the more descriptive ones).
I think she shot him.

Claire L. Fishback said...

Oooh, I love that you give us a choice! Great job!

RaeAnn said...

Wow! An unexpected twist! Good job!

Becky said...

Oh SNAP! Haha. I think she shot him!

Treelight said...

BANG, what a mean and clever ending!
And it's amazing how much dialogue you could put in this short piece!

(I'm #60)

J.C. Martin said...

OMG! You can't end there! I so didn't see that coming! Great job!

Lynda R Young said...

Ha! Nice twist!

Jessica Therrien said...

Loved this! I was sucked in from the start :) Great job!!

Kevin Hiatt said...

Ah man, like I always say.. you can't trust the good girls. :p Really enjoyed it, and of course now I need to read the rest to know what happens. Me=hooked. +1 follower for the talented writer. :)

J.L. Campbell said...

I didn't expect that to happen. Good work!

Christy Farmer said...

Now that is one story that ended with a bang!:-) (pun intended LOL!)

Reiko said...

I bestow upon you the title of MST, Master Story Teller.

I don’t like science fiction. I don’t like violence. Yet you suck me right into your stories every time. What’s wrong with this picture?

Great job, again!

Sherri Lackey said...

I think she shot him. She was pointing the gun at him already and he had to reach for his...unless he is super fast. LOL You did a great job!

JEFritz said...

This was great! I love the intensity of their exchange, and the way she makes him promise and then bang! I hope someday I can read the book this story comes from :)

Daniel Noyes said...

Very nice Jess - though I hope I'm never in that kind of situation cause I'd be the one to die probably.

Ann Cory said...

So clever - big fan of who dunnit's ;) Excellent dialogue and pacing - way to go!

Brenna Braaten said...

Hey there! New campaigner here finally making the rounds.

I really enjoyed your scene. It's actually one of my favorites so far.

Komal said...

This was great! I'm voting for you!

Tara Tyler said...

great job! she had to shoot him. there was no other way for her =)

Ainsley Shay said...

wow! great!!

Margo Kelly said...

Nicely done! :)

Mina Burrows said...

WOW! Shoot to kill! Loved it. I want to read on...

Vikki said...

Wow....brilliant hon :o)

Vikki x (#87)

Daisy Carter said...

Very impressive! I love a whodunit with a tragic love! Awesome!

J. A. Bennett said...

ooooh! A cliff hanger. I like it!

Super Happy Jen said...

Nice!

Beylit said...

Ohh I like it. Nice twist. Well done

Richard said...

I'm impressed.

Fairview said...

Nice. I like how each character is good and evil. No cookie cutter characters for you. Very nice.

Now I'm wanting to know more!

Nancy Thompson said...

Uh oh! Gee, if this is how she treats the guy she loces, I wonder what she does to people she hates! Good story!

bridgetstraub.com said...

Great ending not letting us know who shot who. Mine is # 71

Michelle Pickett said...

Ooh, very nice. Our first sentences were almost identical. :)

Michelle
http://michelle-pickett.blogspot.com/2012/02/first-writers-platform-building.html

T. Z. Wallace said...

Really liked this, Jess! You have good dialogue, and you create characters who draw me in really quickly! (sneaking off to vote...)

wchaser said...

Very good. I want to know what happens next! :-)

AveryMarsh said...

Amazing entry and a perfect example of an open ending that works. Get published so I can read the rest. ;)

digillette said...

Oooh, I wanted to know what happened before this!

sue said...

she shot him no? fun write

Charmaine Clancy said...

Well he won't be remembering for long...
Good job.

Siv Maria said...

And I thought they were friends...My guess is they shot each other. Well written and wonderful twist.

Andrew said...

Nice one. I want to know what the deal is with Lara.

Liza said...

Whew! Nice twist! Who did the shooting I wonder...

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Well, if she wanted him to remember her, Lara had to have shot herself. Or Siv is right, and they both shot themselves. The lady or the tiger time, right? Roland

alexia said...

Ooh, she's cold! Nice job.

Mark Koopmans said...

Nice *twist* at the end.... not wanting to mess with that chicka :)

Jay Noel said...

Dang! I'm thinking she shot him, since "everything faded." Or I guess he could have shot her to...

Okay, my verdict is they shot each other! POW!

Deniz Bevan said...

Oh, I was not expecting that! Love the way you told a complete story.

Marcy said...

It sounds to me like she got him first. Very good entry, and now I want to read the whole story!

Megan said...

So good!! Love it! It makes me want to read a whole story about these two and what led them there. Nice job.

Bess Weatherby said...

Aw, so sad. Very nice!

E. Arroyo said...

OMG...that woke me up! Great job!

Gwen said...

Lara sounds like such a cool character.

Carrie-Anne said...

Great story! I wasn't expecting the twist at the end.

Arlee Bird said...

Yes, that's a mind-bender for sure. I'm going to go with they both shot each other and they are both dead. After all, "everything faded" and everything is everything.


Lee (#126 on the Campaign Challenge List)
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge

Melanie Fowler said...

If she shot him, how is supposed to remember her as a 'good' person if he's dead. He must have shot her, ooooor you have a twist of someone hiding behind Alex and the girl shot the person behind him.

Cool, love the endless possibilities!

Melanie Fowler said...

sorry typo.


How is HE supposed to remember her

Traci Kenworth said...

Wasn't expecting that at all. Wow. I'm not sure who shot who.

Claire Hennessy said...

Ooh who's dead, injured, fatally wounded? I think it must be Alex. Great stuff.

Cynthia said...

Thanks for visiting my blog! Lara and Alex sound like interesting characters! Would like to learn more about Lara.

akoss said...

That's not fair. You have to tell us who shot whom. :D
My favorite part: 'Her eyes grew dark. "Thank you."'
Great visual.

Jodi Su said...

I like that she wants to hold onto her innocence! :) thanks!

Stuart Nager said...

Betrayal hurts, no matter from what end. Nice.

#58, Tale Spinning

Cortney Pearson said...

Holy bananas! So did not expect that, nice twist!! :D

James said...

That got me guessing how she might change but the end still took me by surprise. Great job! You got my vote.

Miranda Hardy said...

Wow! Surprising and great dialogue. You've got my vote. Congrats!

Selah Janel said...

Fabulous! The pacing on this is great and it had me on the edge of my seat!

Carrie said...

Wow I didn't see that coming! Great job!

Naresh Khoisnam said...

You've got a great one here. She shot He as according to me :)

Rebekah Loper said...

Lovely entry! I've voted for you :)

If you have the time/desire to read, mine is #161. Deals with two lovers also, though mine you know exactly who dies.

Hehe, and why am I not surprised that we're in some of the same campaign groups again? ;)

jonesingafter40 said...

I was drawn in and surprised! Two good things. Great job! (and thanks for visiting me!)

Tracy Bermeo said...

This was fantastic! I want to read more. Excellent post!
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between

Melissa said...

Great post! And I think she was the quicker draw. ; )

Melissa Maygrove
#149 on the Campaign Challenge list

Jennifer McMurrain said...

OMG, great flash fiction, def. makes me want to read more... gotta find out who's the quicker draw :o)

Caitlin said...

Wow, great entry! Love the twist at the end!

MISH said...

Wow! Great cliffhanger ending - who betrayed who... and who shot who?

Hiroko said...

As per your courtesy, I now return it and read your entry. :)

I enjoy open-ended stories, and yours has a great cliffhanger. Lovely!

Cherie Reich said...

Oh, wow! Great entry! I love surprise cliffhanger endings like that. :)

Vicki Orians said...

Wow, this was great! :) I want to know what happened!

Erin Kane Spock said...

That was a great punch in the face of a flash fiction. So many possible outcomes. Really impressed. I imagine she shot herself.

Jana Denardo said...

Wow, great twist. I really enjoyed this

kelworthfiles said...

Very exciting, but I think the cheating part is not letting us know the end! :D

Sara Flower said...

Oh my! I love the plot twist and the ending was phenomenal. I wonder what happened! You write very well.

Theresa Small Sneed said...

Wow! Great story ... intriguing, kind of sad ... wonder how it ends and why?

C.M.Brown said...

Still a bit puzzled as to who shot who?? But I liked it!

Patricia Marques said...

Oh, nice cliffhanger, can't help wondering that if it continued, it'd be a very sad character, depending on who survived :(

Journaling Woman said...

I had already read your entry and thought I commented. I can't find my comment, but I do know I'd already voted for you--cause it's awesome.

theaccidentalnovelist said...

oh, leaving us hanging with a little ambiguity, huh? Hmmm . . . I think she shot him. If he loved her, he couldn't have done it that quickly.

laurenwaters.net said...

Wow! This is amazing! You have a gift with dialog and I love the ambiguous ending. Great, great job!

fairbetty said...

Holy shmoly you have a lot of comments on this entry! Great job :) The dialogue felt really natural and I like how you tied in all the elements.

Jess said...

Lol only because I've visited EVERYONE on the list so far. It's been a lot more work than I thought! Thanks for stopping by :)

Emilia Quill said...

Didn't expect that :)
Also "I'm sorry, Alex. I loved you." interesting that she says 'loved', I imagine that she doesn't allow herself to love him any more rather than she's fallen out of love with. If that makes any sense.
Liked it a lot =)

tinadchayes said...

Cool story, and that you let the reader decide you was the shooter and who was the unlucky shootee. :) Good luck in the challenge.

Theresa Milstein said...

I like not knowing who was shot. Boy, she crossed him. Poor guy!

CherylAnne Ham said...

Whoa! I love endings that really make you think. Well done. :D

Heather Davis said...

Great take! It reminded me of Hunger Games!

Sher A. Hart said...

I'm finally getting back to you! I don't know how you managed to visit us all.

I'm guessing that she said "I loved you" because she planned on shooting slower, knowing her bad part would shoot. But did the bad part overrule that intention once it took over? Great entry!

Elise Fallson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elise Fallson said...

oops, I wanted to edit a typo and deleted my comment instead! (: Anyway, your entry was really great and I love how you tied in the elements from your wip! I want to read more!!!!

Vanessa Hancock said...

Nicely done! I like her wanting him to think about the real her for a moment before.....

Sarah Pearson said...

This is another one that i read earlier in the week and thought I'd commented on already, sorry!

I really like this, I think it's such a sad piece and I'd love to know what led up to these two people, who obviously care about each other, ending up in this situation.

Amber Clites said...

I hope it was a misfire on both of their parts! So sad, but I have a feeling he shot her!

Written Words said...

Very good. This is exactly what good flash fiction should be: a complete story, well told, that could be the beginning of a longer story.

Well done!

Elizabeth Twist said...

Wow. I'm joining the bazillions who've given you the old thumbs up over at Rachael's. Well done!

Jarm Del Boccio said...

Dialogue is your strength, Jess...very challenging for me. Good job! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. I'll see you around...

Jocelyn Rish said...

Oooh, a very intriguing snippet that's a great teaser for your WIP.

Stephanie Allen said...

This was a good snippet to choose from your WIP...because now I want to read more! Love it =)

Lady Gwen said...

Congratulations on your People's Choice Award, Jessica! It's an awesome story and I'm so glad you won:)

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