Hey guys! Today is the day of Rachael Harrie's first Campaigner Challenge of the Fourth Campaign! Here are the guidelines:
Shadows crept across the wall as the red-orange light of day shrank over the horizon. There was a rustling in the trees a few feet away. Alex felt for the gun in his pocket and aimed it in the direction of the sound.
"You really gonna shoot me?" Lara asked.
Alex put the gun down. "You scared me."
"Come on, let's go."
The two of them entered the abandoned building. The night grew darker and the only light was that of the moon shining through the broken windows.
"Alex," she said. "I need you to promise me something."
"Sure."
"Promise that you'll never forget me. This me. The one that's good. That no matter what happens, this girl is still here."
Alex looked at her, not sure if she really meant it. "Lara, I-"
"Promise!"
"Okay. I promise."
Her eyes grew dark. "Thank you."
"You're a good person, Lara."
She shook her head. A tear streamed down her face as she aimed the gun at his chest.
He turned to her and froze. "Lara, what are you doing? Don't do this!"
"I'm sorry, Alex. I loved you."
He reached for his gun. A bang filled his ears and everything faded.
"Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:So here is my entry of exactly 200 words with the included word 'orange':
- end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
- include the word "orange" in the story
- write in the same genre you normally write
- make your story 200 words exactly!"
***
The Promise (modified from WiP)
The Promise (modified from WiP)
Shadows crept across the wall as the red-orange light of day shrank over the horizon. There was a rustling in the trees a few feet away. Alex felt for the gun in his pocket and aimed it in the direction of the sound.
"You really gonna shoot me?" Lara asked.
Alex put the gun down. "You scared me."
"Come on, let's go."
The two of them entered the abandoned building. The night grew darker and the only light was that of the moon shining through the broken windows.
"Alex," she said. "I need you to promise me something."
"Sure."
"Promise that you'll never forget me. This me. The one that's good. That no matter what happens, this girl is still here."
Alex looked at her, not sure if she really meant it. "Lara, I-"
"Promise!"
"Okay. I promise."
Her eyes grew dark. "Thank you."
"You're a good person, Lara."
She shook her head. A tear streamed down her face as she aimed the gun at his chest.
He turned to her and froze. "Lara, what are you doing? Don't do this!"
"I'm sorry, Alex. I loved you."
He reached for his gun. A bang filled his ears and everything faded.
***
Who shot whom? I guess that's up to you to decide ;)
If you really like it, go to Rachael Harrie's site and vote for me! I'm #19
And if you like writing flash fiction, you might want to check THIS out.
Thanks!
And if you like writing flash fiction, you might want to check THIS out.
Thanks!
--Jess
134 comments:
Ouch (literally)! I hope that wasn't a killing shot, 'cos it sure would be hard for him to remember the real Lara if he's dead!
xx Rachel
Oh!!!
That was unexpected!!
You really know how to build a story and add a twist to it!!! Thanks for dropping by my blog!!
Another Author
Well, your WIP must be rather exciting. Haha. Interesting entry!
Whoa! Jess, what are you doing to us? Sounds like a great story! Way to incorporate all the extra little rules! You rock! :D
I like it, although I think using a WIP is a little bit like cheating. ;-)
Still, it makes me wonder what you finished story will be like.
Mine is No. 23
Maybe it's cheating a LITTLE bit but I haven't actually written this scene yet, so I thought it was okay :)
Thanks for stopping by!
Very nice! Great build-up and WOW ending! :D
I enjoyed this intense scene...but I wonder who shot at whom...Very well written. :)
Well that's the mystery, isn't it...
lol thanks for stopping by! Glad you liked it :)
What a second ... Whoa! That totally threw me off. And if this is part of a WiP, I'm even more intrigued. Nice one! :)
Awesome entry! Love the ambiguity--so fun!
As this is written from Alex' POV, I'm going to assume he was the one who was shot. Otherwise, the last line wouldn't make sense. JMHO. Good job. I'd really like to learn more about what brought them to this point.
What an intriguing entry. It does leave a question. Nice work.
Wait, what? No!
I really liked the character you created for Lara. In such a short time, I felt very sympathetic for her, even though I don't really know much about her situation.
Thanks for commenting on mine too!
Ooh I love the twisty ones! Great job, I would love to know the back story of how she came to this point of turning on him. :)
Woah, intense! A lovers betrayal.
I loved it! I honestly couldn't tell you who was shot, but I want to find out :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I will definitely give you a vote and follow you now!
Samantha
Wow, a bit of a shocker! Well done!
Nice! I love that you modified it from you WIP and it really makes me want to read it now! ;) Gread job!
Nice job! Now I want to read the whole book.
Interesting! I do wonder who shot who, I'd guess maybe they're both dead but then it would be a very short WIP.
Oo, cryptic ending. I like it! :D
Great job. Definitely makes you want to find out more!
I'm very intrigued about your WIP! I think she shot him, but nice to leave it ambiguous. They certainly seem to have a dysfunctional relationship!
Love it! So curious to know WHY she shot him? If indeed, she did, and it wasn't the other way around! Great job!
I liked the suspense and the dialogue. Great work!
I got started late, so I'm #46 where you already commented. Thanks!
Ahhhh. I think he shot her...But I want to know why?!? Great job!
Oooh, nice twisty turn of events! Well done, Jess. It makes me want to know what the heck is going on and who shot who.
umm, or should that be "whom?"
Great job- I love the dialogue (I'm a fan of the dialogue driven entries over the more descriptive ones).
I think she shot him.
Oooh, I love that you give us a choice! Great job!
Wow! An unexpected twist! Good job!
Oh SNAP! Haha. I think she shot him!
BANG, what a mean and clever ending!
And it's amazing how much dialogue you could put in this short piece!
(I'm #60)
OMG! You can't end there! I so didn't see that coming! Great job!
Ha! Nice twist!
Loved this! I was sucked in from the start :) Great job!!
Ah man, like I always say.. you can't trust the good girls. :p Really enjoyed it, and of course now I need to read the rest to know what happens. Me=hooked. +1 follower for the talented writer. :)
I didn't expect that to happen. Good work!
Now that is one story that ended with a bang!:-) (pun intended LOL!)
I bestow upon you the title of MST, Master Story Teller.
I don’t like science fiction. I don’t like violence. Yet you suck me right into your stories every time. What’s wrong with this picture?
Great job, again!
I think she shot him. She was pointing the gun at him already and he had to reach for his...unless he is super fast. LOL You did a great job!
This was great! I love the intensity of their exchange, and the way she makes him promise and then bang! I hope someday I can read the book this story comes from :)
Very nice Jess - though I hope I'm never in that kind of situation cause I'd be the one to die probably.
So clever - big fan of who dunnit's ;) Excellent dialogue and pacing - way to go!
Hey there! New campaigner here finally making the rounds.
I really enjoyed your scene. It's actually one of my favorites so far.
This was great! I'm voting for you!
great job! she had to shoot him. there was no other way for her =)
wow! great!!
Nicely done! :)
WOW! Shoot to kill! Loved it. I want to read on...
Wow....brilliant hon :o)
Vikki x (#87)
Very impressive! I love a whodunit with a tragic love! Awesome!
ooooh! A cliff hanger. I like it!
Nice!
Ohh I like it. Nice twist. Well done
I'm impressed.
Nice. I like how each character is good and evil. No cookie cutter characters for you. Very nice.
Now I'm wanting to know more!
Uh oh! Gee, if this is how she treats the guy she loces, I wonder what she does to people she hates! Good story!
Great ending not letting us know who shot who. Mine is # 71
Ooh, very nice. Our first sentences were almost identical. :)
Michelle
http://michelle-pickett.blogspot.com/2012/02/first-writers-platform-building.html
Really liked this, Jess! You have good dialogue, and you create characters who draw me in really quickly! (sneaking off to vote...)
Very good. I want to know what happens next! :-)
Amazing entry and a perfect example of an open ending that works. Get published so I can read the rest. ;)
Oooh, I wanted to know what happened before this!
she shot him no? fun write
Well he won't be remembering for long...
Good job.
And I thought they were friends...My guess is they shot each other. Well written and wonderful twist.
Nice one. I want to know what the deal is with Lara.
Whew! Nice twist! Who did the shooting I wonder...
Well, if she wanted him to remember her, Lara had to have shot herself. Or Siv is right, and they both shot themselves. The lady or the tiger time, right? Roland
Ooh, she's cold! Nice job.
Nice *twist* at the end.... not wanting to mess with that chicka :)
Dang! I'm thinking she shot him, since "everything faded." Or I guess he could have shot her to...
Okay, my verdict is they shot each other! POW!
Oh, I was not expecting that! Love the way you told a complete story.
It sounds to me like she got him first. Very good entry, and now I want to read the whole story!
So good!! Love it! It makes me want to read a whole story about these two and what led them there. Nice job.
Aw, so sad. Very nice!
OMG...that woke me up! Great job!
Lara sounds like such a cool character.
Great story! I wasn't expecting the twist at the end.
Yes, that's a mind-bender for sure. I'm going to go with they both shot each other and they are both dead. After all, "everything faded" and everything is everything.
Lee (#126 on the Campaign Challenge List)
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge
If she shot him, how is supposed to remember her as a 'good' person if he's dead. He must have shot her, ooooor you have a twist of someone hiding behind Alex and the girl shot the person behind him.
Cool, love the endless possibilities!
sorry typo.
How is HE supposed to remember her
Wasn't expecting that at all. Wow. I'm not sure who shot who.
Ooh who's dead, injured, fatally wounded? I think it must be Alex. Great stuff.
Thanks for visiting my blog! Lara and Alex sound like interesting characters! Would like to learn more about Lara.
That's not fair. You have to tell us who shot whom. :D
My favorite part: 'Her eyes grew dark. "Thank you."'
Great visual.
I like that she wants to hold onto her innocence! :) thanks!
Holy bananas! So did not expect that, nice twist!! :D
That got me guessing how she might change but the end still took me by surprise. Great job! You got my vote.
Wow! Surprising and great dialogue. You've got my vote. Congrats!
Fabulous! The pacing on this is great and it had me on the edge of my seat!
Wow I didn't see that coming! Great job!
You've got a great one here. She shot He as according to me :)
Lovely entry! I've voted for you :)
If you have the time/desire to read, mine is #161. Deals with two lovers also, though mine you know exactly who dies.
Hehe, and why am I not surprised that we're in some of the same campaign groups again? ;)
I was drawn in and surprised! Two good things. Great job! (and thanks for visiting me!)
This was fantastic! I want to read more. Excellent post!
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between
Great post! And I think she was the quicker draw. ; )
Melissa Maygrove
#149 on the Campaign Challenge list
OMG, great flash fiction, def. makes me want to read more... gotta find out who's the quicker draw :o)
Wow, great entry! Love the twist at the end!
Wow! Great cliffhanger ending - who betrayed who... and who shot who?
As per your courtesy, I now return it and read your entry. :)
I enjoy open-ended stories, and yours has a great cliffhanger. Lovely!
Oh, wow! Great entry! I love surprise cliffhanger endings like that. :)
Wow, this was great! :) I want to know what happened!
That was a great punch in the face of a flash fiction. So many possible outcomes. Really impressed. I imagine she shot herself.
Wow, great twist. I really enjoyed this
Very exciting, but I think the cheating part is not letting us know the end! :D
Oh my! I love the plot twist and the ending was phenomenal. I wonder what happened! You write very well.
Wow! Great story ... intriguing, kind of sad ... wonder how it ends and why?
Still a bit puzzled as to who shot who?? But I liked it!
Oh, nice cliffhanger, can't help wondering that if it continued, it'd be a very sad character, depending on who survived :(
I had already read your entry and thought I commented. I can't find my comment, but I do know I'd already voted for you--cause it's awesome.
oh, leaving us hanging with a little ambiguity, huh? Hmmm . . . I think she shot him. If he loved her, he couldn't have done it that quickly.
Wow! This is amazing! You have a gift with dialog and I love the ambiguous ending. Great, great job!
Holy shmoly you have a lot of comments on this entry! Great job :) The dialogue felt really natural and I like how you tied in all the elements.
Lol only because I've visited EVERYONE on the list so far. It's been a lot more work than I thought! Thanks for stopping by :)
Didn't expect that :)
Also "I'm sorry, Alex. I loved you." interesting that she says 'loved', I imagine that she doesn't allow herself to love him any more rather than she's fallen out of love with. If that makes any sense.
Liked it a lot =)
Cool story, and that you let the reader decide you was the shooter and who was the unlucky shootee. :) Good luck in the challenge.
I like not knowing who was shot. Boy, she crossed him. Poor guy!
Whoa! I love endings that really make you think. Well done. :D
Great take! It reminded me of Hunger Games!
I'm finally getting back to you! I don't know how you managed to visit us all.
I'm guessing that she said "I loved you" because she planned on shooting slower, knowing her bad part would shoot. But did the bad part overrule that intention once it took over? Great entry!
oops, I wanted to edit a typo and deleted my comment instead! (: Anyway, your entry was really great and I love how you tied in the elements from your wip! I want to read more!!!!
Nicely done! I like her wanting him to think about the real her for a moment before.....
This is another one that i read earlier in the week and thought I'd commented on already, sorry!
I really like this, I think it's such a sad piece and I'd love to know what led up to these two people, who obviously care about each other, ending up in this situation.
I hope it was a misfire on both of their parts! So sad, but I have a feeling he shot her!
Very good. This is exactly what good flash fiction should be: a complete story, well told, that could be the beginning of a longer story.
Well done!
Wow. I'm joining the bazillions who've given you the old thumbs up over at Rachael's. Well done!
Dialogue is your strength, Jess...very challenging for me. Good job! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. I'll see you around...
Oooh, a very intriguing snippet that's a great teaser for your WIP.
This was a good snippet to choose from your WIP...because now I want to read more! Love it =)
Congratulations on your People's Choice Award, Jessica! It's an awesome story and I'm so glad you won:)
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